Journal 73 - Canceled

Journal 73

11-7-10

To everyone I promised this story to online -- here it is, so I don't have to type it out for the fifty millionth, separate time.

I am SO mad/frustrated/hurt/angry/feel taken advantage of/disrespected/etc. -- more so than I've almost ever been in my life.

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Overslept my alarm this morning -- then wanted to make sure that everything was just right for my meeting with Vitaly -- so I didn't have time to go to the ballroom tournament, where I had wanted to cheer for my friends again! (I'd only have been there for an hour, before I was going to have to leave for the ballroom comp. Not worth it to pay an entry fee for that…

At 3:10, Vitaly calls me. (Remember, we are supposed to meet at *6.* ) He asks me what I wanted to talk to him about -- and I started smelling a rat. I tried to dodge, but then, Vitaly undid me with my own honesty. Because I had been so worried about being late to my meeting, I made sure that I was fully ready early. … But because of that, I was just waiting around, doing almost NOTHING -- and when Vitaly asked if I could talk, before I could even stop myself, I was saying, "Yeah, I can…"

*****

[chat log]

So, we cover about everything I wanted to say, though some things not quite so well -- I get frazzled on the phone -- and I suppose I get your standard fare responses from Vitaly, though I had to correct him on a few things

For instance, he originally thought, when I said I wanted to talk about things related to dance -- that I was upset/had been thinking about him telling me that I had gotten worse. He started trying to counter that to me, just by saying that he was a demanding trainer/wanted the best for me/something like that. (I know, at least, he said he was a demanding trainer.)

I wasn't upset about that at all -- it's his damn job to tell me if I'm not doing something correctly, and I WANT a demanding teacher. I was upset about how it was happening; and how it had seemed like he'd become someone entirely different

I explained it all, in Russian, as best I could, but not quite to the point as I'd meant to

I think I wound up saying something like, "We didn't used to have any problems; but from the time I've gotten into this partnership, it seems like everything is different. You're not the same" and I think I said something about the lack of patience lately, or how it seemed like he was mad

*****

Then I brought up the shoulder thing -- how he had actually hurt me -- like, couldn't practice, couldn't put on/take off my jackets without pain, hurt me

Vitaly tried to pass it off as an accident at first, à la, "These things happen…" And I understand that accidents happen -- but what was NOT ok with me was that he had seemed angry that I had been hurt. "I have never seen someone get angry when someone says, "You've hurt me."

So, I tell him it worried me, to see him get angry, when I've been hurt -- I get accidents, but that's not okay

*****

Vitaly's response to both of those things is essentially: "It's not you -- sometimes I've had a bad lesson (with his coach), and I'm in a bad mood..." Something to the effect of an admission of taking s%#t out on me.

[Commentary: So, I'm thinking he expected me to be all, "Oh! See?! I haven't really gotten all that bad, and he's not mad at me, I didn't do anything wrong -- the poor dear, he's just frustrated 'cause he's had a bad day. I'll be more understanding!

F*&k that. He should be professional enough to keep his bad day and bad attitude out of my, or his other students', lessons. End of story. Don't you take your damn frustrations out on me.

And way to not ever apologize for *hurting* me. And no, asking how it is now, towards the end of the conversation, and saying, "Oh, I see…" when I tell you it doesn't hurt hurt anymore, but it's not 100%, does not count as an apology at all.

*****]

Then we chatted about my new partnership for a minute -- where Vitaly said he actually liked the guy (I thought he didn't), but that Vitaly thought he was quiet. Asked if I communicated with him outside of lessons. I said yes, we chatted; and that I told him he needed to be more vocal in lessons. "Strong enough," as a leader etc., Vitaly said. He also said something akin to there not being a lot of guys to choose from in Moscow right now (I think), so I was lucky to have this partner… Or something like that. So that was good news. I guess. [Or it could all have just been smoke-blowing.]

Then he said he still thought I should be working with him separately -- which tied back into his saying that I'd gotten worse, blah blah / I still need more work on me and on my technique -- but there seemed to be an idea of, "It's not that bad." Maybe he was still having a bad day the day he was telling me it was? Who knows. I had agreed I wanted to continue working with him -- but that was connected to the, "I want to work with the "Old" Vitaly, not this guy you've become."

*****

Finally… Vitaly tells me that he had a good night (?) -- or some kind of night last night -- to the point that that he is "resting" today... .... ... Which means, he was canceling my lessons. AGAIN.

As soon as he said he was resting, I said, ".. You're canceling my lessons."

"...Yeah."

We hung up shortly after that... And I stewed for about 5 min

*****

I mean, seriously, I said it [the meeting] was important, and I wanted it face-to-face; we'd planned since the day before that there would be lessons at least; and then he calls me, not even too much before everything, has this "important" conversation I asked to have face-to-face, over the PHONE - and then cancels my lessons because he's what? Hungover? Tired from partying too hard?

So I let him have it, unfortunately over text message, in about as much a lady-like, but, "I just got taken advantage of, and it's BULLSHIT" way as I could.

The [translated] jist of what I messaged him over the phone is as follows:

*****

"Vitaly - one more thing. I don't know why, but you've started canceling lots of my lessons lately, and without much notice. I'm honestly angry about it.

How can I work with you if you're constantly canceling on me? [Reference to him saying he wanted me to keep working with him one-on one] What can I think when I say, "This is important to me," and even that is not enough for you to meet me?

When someone tells me, "We'll do this," I believe them. I should trust you... But now... I don't need to expect more, that I will not have a lesson or meeting, than that I will. This can't continue. "

And then he didn't respond for a bit.

*****

Finally, I got the following message-

"I understand you.... I think that with good trainers it's always a problem, finding time... The situation is that the time you want to work is always at night, and there's not enough of it for everyone and my own practice! --suggestions about time we can work -- Beyond that, we'll see -- times change every week... ???? And I don't want to part with you, I've already invested a fair amount in you from myself... So there..."

[Commentary: Thus -- more fluff crap about how, "Woe as me, it's tough being good, there's never enough time for everyone and me," so I should feel bad and understanding again, and then, oh, my heart should melt, "He's invested so much of himself in me!! He really cares!!" -- If he were so invested, I certainly would never have had to have had this conversation with him at all…]

*****

The last bit of communication with any meaning in this, before we started trying to work something out for lessons was me saying:

"I also don't want to part with you - but I'm tired of being disappointed. In reality, I don't have much time left in Moscow... And every time we don't work when we've agreed to do so, it wastes my time, and I loose the little progress I've worked so hard for."

And then the conversation just switched to boring, us trying to figure out when we could have a lesson.

*****

It just sucks...

Because from everything I've read

... I don't see any real apology or remorse

I really don't

I see things that would sound like pretty words to someone, maybe

But... There's nothing behind it

*****

[Truthfully] I saw that there'd be no apology for anything, the moment he stayed/got angry when I said he'd hurt me in the lesson last Tuesday night, instead of apologizing or seeing if I was ok

And even the crap about, "I don't want to part ways with you -- I've already invested so much in you from myself." That was smooth, but crap. [If he truly had so much "invested" in me, he wouldn't cancel so often/so cavalierly.]

It could just be that I'm just bitter enough right now to see that I only mean $$$ to him

So of course he doesn't want me to go to someone else.

[Basically,] I need some actions to start speaking louder than words

And FAST.

Or I'm finished [working with Vitaly]

*****

I mean, realistically... being that I'm worse than any of the dancers in that studio, who are working as trainers -- I could dance with someone who's ranked below Vitaly... And STILL get a wonderful education, I'm sure... I mean, so long as someone's better than you, you've still got something to learn from them. Ha ha ha.

God, I feel like I just want to grab him [Vitaly] by the shirt collar, and tell him, "The next time you cancel on me, someone had better be DEAD."

And then tell him that he's got a group of very, VERY angry people, on my behalf, just waiting for me to tell them it's okay to go find him...

... Which I would never do... But plenty of people are wanting me to do. XD

..... *breath*

All of this is stupid...

[End Chat Log]

*************

So, as you can all see -- my afternoon… Basically sucked. A lot.

I feel -- and more than one person I chatted with the afternoon said this -- that my kind nature/my tendency to roll with things has been taken advantage of to the nth degree. I feel disrespected. I am angry. I am frustrated.

I don't like seeing or having to admit that someone I thought and said was a good person appears to have less than admirable colors….

So, I'm a straw away from my back being broken, and being ready not to work with him anymore. We'll see how the next week goes I guess. I'm certainly going to make it clear to Vitaly, when I see him next -- which is supposed to be Tuesday, if he doesn't cancel… -- that if he ever is going to cancel on me in the future, it had BETTER be the day BEFORE, not a few HOURS before my lessons -- because it's a waste of my time, and messes up my plans for the day.

For example, I didn't get to go cheer my friends on at their competition, because it wasn't going to be worth paying the entrance fee to only stick around for an hour before I was going to have to leave to get to my meeting with Vitaly on time. But Vitaly didn't call me to talk and cancel until AFTER my friends had already started to dance. =>_<=

Also, I'm going to make sure that he knows that I reserve the right to work with whomever I want, individually, if he cancels on me, in the future.

I did not come to Russia to not have private lessons for weeks at a time. I left the US to get AWAY from that. So help me God, I am going to do the right thing for ME, and for MY DANCING. Screw being polite or non-confrontational or easy-going. I'm finished. No one else is going to stand up for my dreams except for me. And obviously, Vitaly isn't worthy of the respect and understanding I brought to the table -- so I need to find someone that is, if he doesn't shape up.

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= @_@ =

So, there you have it. As promised, basically what happened today / some summarized idea of what's been going on with dance lately.

I passed a good evening at MyBar with Danny, and at Liga with Pete and Natasha, trying to get my mind off of things. Natasha read all of the Russian conversation, and declared Vitaly to be an idiot, and a typical Russian guy. It was pretty funny, the looks on her face at some of this stuff….

*****

Now, it's 5:16 AM, and I have to wake up at 8 ish, so that I can be at school on time…

Then I'll go straight to practice…

Get to leave a little earlier, and it's back to The Penthouse Club. Looks like some of us are making this Monday night thing something of a tradition after all… Ha ha ha… I wonder if my "girlfriend" Victoria will be working?

Love to you all -- but thinking about lots here --

Moscow Kitty