Journal 68 - Hurt

Journal 68

11-2-10

Vitaly cancelled my lesson. :/

On the bright side, he said that there was no group class after all, so we still had our lesson in the evening.

I showed up close to 4:30, because my partner said that was when he was going to be there at 4 -- but he didn't show up until maybe an hour later. It wasn't so bad -- I need the time to practice (especially given what Vitaly had said the other day), and our lessons were due to be at 7:30, so there was no problem.

Later on, after Roma had gotten there, and we were working, Roma said Vitaly told him he was running a half hour late. Roma wound up sitting/resting more during that time; but, as I'm kind of crazy, I figured I should keep practicing, not be sitting, etc.

That half hour turned into almost an hour.

The practice time was good though -- I heard the song, "Stand By Me," and realized it was a pretty awesome cha cha. So then I just had this goofy grin on my face, as I'm singing along to this, "Golden Oldie," and my partner is all but laughing at me, 'cause I'm so sunshine-y about it.

In the end we finally started our lessons close to 8:30.

(This is bad, not only because I'd already been dancing for 3-4 hours already, but because 8-10 is considered practice time, not lesson time. So we were more having to go with what people wanted to practice, rather than what we wanted to be doing.)

**********

So, the lesson.

We added to our Cha Cha and our Samba.

Vitaly hurt my shoulder, then got upset at me about it. Got a, "that's what you get," look, and then he snapped, "You weren't ready for it. You didn't do it right."

I didn't have my arm connected to my body correctly, and he lead the move for it to be a very fast action. He's right, I didn't do it correctly, and I wasn't ready for it to be as fast as he wanted -- but I also didn't know how to do exactly what he wanted, or that he wanted it to be so snappy. I guess he had faith I would do it right, and I did not succeed.

I was more hurt, not from my shoulder, but from the fact that, even if I did it wrong, I've never seen someone be annoyed/upset in a more angry manner when someone says, "Ow!" Normally they at least check if you're okay -- not tell you it's your own damn fault you got hurt.

*****

The lesson didn't go much better after that… I was tired, and some of the choreography didn't feel like it flowed well, body-wise for me (in cha cha) -- and then I started to make mistakes/not be as sharp as usual, and I heard more than my fair share of, "What are you doing?!" and "I just showed you that!" and etc, accompanied by looks that showed me I was more than displeasing Vitaly.

Now, I'd like to make one thing clear: it IS Vitaly's job to let me know when I'm not doing things right. That, I have no complaints about. I'm not upset about being told I wasn't doing something right, or even being roughed up on the level of, "I just showed you - you should have this down," etc. 'Cause well, I still have a very long way to go, and the faster I can pick something up, the quicker we can move on to making it look good.

Thus, t's not Vitaly's job to coddle me. He can tell me until the cows come home that I'm not doing something right, or I'm not thinking about my technique like I should -- 'cause he's supposed to! The only reason that I'm upset, is because this impatience/annoyance/almost rude aspect of it, from Vitaly, is all new to me. I'm not sure what the hell has happened, but I feel that he's gone Jr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on me, and I'm quite unhappy about it. I want the old Vitaly back.

*****

Vitaly ended our lesson early -- after only an hour, instead of the full hour and a half or so we were supposed to have -- and I rushed to leave for Hustle. I had promised I would be earlier today, because last week I hadn't even had time to do anything but stop in to say hello -- and here I was, late, thanks to Vitaly's delay.

As it turned out, Vitaly came down to leave as I was picking up my bags to walk out. He asked me, "You're not walking out together?" (As in, with my partner.)

I told him, "No, I'm in a rush today -- I'm on my way to hustle, and I promised I was going to be earlier today…"

Somewhere in the middle of that, my Russian decided to fail me, and I put something in an entirely wrong form. I stopped, made sure to correct myself, and then just uttered one of those sighs, shrugging my shoulders and hanging my head, and said something to the effect of, "Russian… Today… Is just not working for me…"

And somehow, my saying that, plus no one else being around led into Vitaly looking at me and saying, "I want to yell at you a little… And I think you know why."**

[** The verb he used was, "porugat-" (pah-roo-gaht) -- "rugat-" means "to yell," and the prefix, "po," means "a little," in this case. So, the idea is more, "to scold," or "to chastise." He wasn't actually yelling, yelling, with loud voice, etc.]

Truth be told, I thought he was going to get into our going to Artëm again -- but he surprised me on a completely different vein.

He continued, "Ever since you've gotten into this partnership, you've started dancing worse. You've thrown away all of your technique. Your butt is out, you are not stepping with your weight centered over your feet --"

-- He stopped as we heard someone else come out behind us.

They got into a conversation -- this guy congratulated Vitaly on his and Daria's getting 7th place at the tournament. And as Vitaly's face soured, I suddenly realized what might have been the root of his less than jovial mood that day.

Vitaly told the other guy not to congratulate him for that, and then continued into a conversation where I understood one of the most basic "dance drama" situations you can have:

Someone got into the final over Vitaly and Daria that they believed should NEVER have beaten them.

Some things are the same world-wide.

[** For those not in-the-know -- a typical ballroom dance final will have 6 couples. Sometimes 7. So, Vitaly and Daria getting 7th means that they were ONE place away from getting into the Final. And some couple who should not have beaten them was in the final instead.]

So, after Vitaly and this guy chatted some -- and I got a bit of the taste of gossip and drama -- Vitaly and I were left again; but in that awkward sort of silence that happens when you get interrupted, yelling/scolding someone. You can't quite pick up the conversation where you left it…

So, I apologized, and we parted ways, with Vitaly's goodbye being, "Train."

*****

Now, I was pretty bummed out about Vitaly telling me I was dancing worse now, and had thrown away all my technique. Not bummed because he told me that -- echoing what I said earlier, it's his JOB to tell me that kind of thing! I'm happy he told me now! It means I can work on it!

I'm disappointed, because it happened at all, that I should have gotten worse. I'm angry at myself, that I could somehow have regressed so much in two weeks, for Vitaly to have made such a note of how bad it is, and to have to tell me such a thing. I'm upset because it makes me wonder, "Have I been wasting my time?" when I consider that I've been working so damn hard, almost every day, and then something like this should happen. That's why I'm bummed out. It's not Vitaly saying something -- it's that he had to say something at all. It's that *I* am not doing a good job.

I sent Vitaly a text some time later, asking if he thought I'd gotten worse because I wasn't practicing well, or because he thought I didn't suit this partner [I admit, I was trying to give him an opening, if he wanted to say anything negative about the partnership.] -- and he said that he believed it was (paraphrasing) 'because you got into a partnership, and have started not to think about anything -- your technique, I mean.'

Things to think about.

**********

I got to hustle. Didn't dance too much. I was exhausted. From the almost 5 hours of dance already at the studio, from the disappointment of what Vitaly had to say -- I couldn't stop yawning, and after an hour, I headed home.

What a night.