Journal 12
Thursday - 01-27-11
"So, what? You're telling me, VH1, that the ONLY Pop-Up Video from your collection that I am allowed to watch in Russia is, The Proclaimers', "500 Miles?" ?!?! What, is it because they're foreigners??"
The above comment is from my unsuccessful attempt to have a Pop-Up Video marathon today, only to be blocked by Internet Video Copyright Laws, or something like that. Essentially, the content isn't available to me, because I'm in Russia. Grr!!
[For anyone not familiar with "Pop-Up Video," VH1, a television music channel in the US, used to have a show that played music videos, during which, "pop-ups," featuring trivia about the song, music video, or band -- or other, somewhat random facts -- would show up. Hence, "Pop Up Video."
It's something of a generational marker, these days. From a certain age-line on up, you can hum or sing the tag line from the show, ("Pop, Pop, Pop-Up-Video!") and those old enough will sing it with you and remember it fondly, while those too young will probably look at you as if you are crazy.]
*****
In other media-related news, one of my best friends, Cory/Munky, posted to Facebook an awesome picture he snapped of me while I was home. I didn't expect the reaction it got!
"you look like a hot evil princess that is about to try to take over the world... just saying" -- from Mowery (one of my former Moscow Marines)
"My dear, the picture in the post below is HOT! ;) What is Russia doing to you?! :D Hahaha I also l-o-v-e the scarf you are wearing!!! XOXO!!" Elizabeth (My old dance partner's Standard Partner. And the scarf she's referring to is the one that my current dance partner got me.)
*laughs* I love my friends!!
[Note From February: Interestingly enough, related to Elizabeth's comment…
Maybe a week or so into the new school semester, the head of our program and one of my professors, Galina Mikhailovna, stopped me in the hallway as I was on my way out, and commented on how good she said I looked. That's somewhat par for the course, but then she continued on, saying that something seemed different about me, though she couldn't place her finger on it. She said I seemed more, "grown up," and that whatever it was that was different, it was from the inside. How interesting!]
**********
As I said yesterday, Roma and I had lessons with Vova again today. (This time, without wardrobe malfunctions!!)
I was really looking forward to them, and hoping that it was going to be a productive day, and that we wouldn't have a repeat of yesterday's "Face-loosing" displays.
You'll also remember I was slightly worried about how the invitation to the Embassy party was received. I needn't have worried. About the first thing that Vova said to me after he arrived was that he had received my invitation, and he was sorry that he hasn't responded. Unfortunately, while he said it sounded fun, he and Masha are flying out on Friday for a competition, so they won't be in town!
While I needn't have worried about the reception of the invitation, the lesson itself left me plenty worried again…
*****
I guess Roma was having an off day, or something. Much like I'd seen him before, while in lessons with Vitaly, he appeared to be having trouble with steps and concepts that shouldn't have been that hard, at least not in Vova's eyes. He seemed out of it, unfocused, and really, without drive to work. More surprising, when we asked if he was sick, or not feeling well, and he said that he felt fine!!
Eventually, he asked to step out for a moment, and as soon as he'd gone, Vova turned to me, with a concerned, shocked look on his face, and asked me, "Is he ALWAYS like this??"
I immediately felt awash in a mix of embarrassment and shame, relief, and guilt.
Embarrassment, because, in my opinion, the way Roma was conducting himself really amounted to a waste of time, for someone of Vova's level (or of anyone, for that matter!). Also, because by being his partner, I am tied to Roma's behavior; even if I can't control it, by being partnered with him, I still feel I'm going to be judged by how he acts.
Shame, because, again, that's my partner, and this is my partnership. As far as I'm concerned, Roma behaving as he did at the beginning of the lesson the day before, and as he was today, certainly didn't set up ANY kind of a good impression for us, concerning working with us as dancers. I feel responsible for the negative impression of this partnership, and I am ashamed of it.
I want SO badly to just work, and work, and work; to become better, and to make my coaches proud, and not regret, or resent, that they are working with me. Students are a reflection of a teacher… If we were to perform badly, and yet, people knew who our coaches were, it would reflect badly on them (no matter how unfair that is in certain circumstances). I certainly don't want to contribute to a bad reflection of my beloved coaches and dancers!
Guilt, because, and this goes back to Face, I feel as though: a. these problems shouldn't exist in the first place, and b. I feel, to a degree, that I am dishonoring my partner by sharing these frustrations, or by speaking against him. It's "airing dirty laundry." It is tough to balance trying to be supportive, when you are frustrated about things that someone is doing/not doing. I feel, and it's true by nature of the encounter, that I am/was speaking behind Roma's back.
It's not as though I haven't tried to bring these issues up to Roma. I have spoken to him before, of how I have been frustrated when we don't work hard at practice, how I have felt bothered by some of his habits at practice. Unfortunately, it feels as though my words have fallen on deaf ears. So now, I am at a point, where I know that I need to look out for myself. This partnership will not do anything to increase my level any great amount. If Roma doesn't want to work as hard as I do, he won't. If he doesn't have the same passion I do, he won't want to put as much focus or effort into working as I do. I realized that if I didn't take the opportunity Vova was giving, I'd never have another one again; but a small part of me still feels like some kind of betrayer.
Relief, because if Vova was asking me that question while Roma was gone, it meant not only was he probably frustrated and/or confounded by the same behavior I am frustrated and confounded by, but it also meant that he SAW it, and that he sees I am NOT the same!! Maybe that just goes back to him and Masha having seen me working all those hours alone, before Roma became my partner; so he already knew, to an extent, just how strong my work ethic is. It felt as though some kind of understanding passed between Vova and I: that he sympathized with me for the position I was in, and, without my even needing to say anything, understood all of the frustrations I feel. Relief also, because he basically opened the door for me to give him, quickly, an honest picture of what this partnership has been like so far. All of my feelings then, which I have shouldered alone, are in the clear between Vova and myself. Hopefully, it means that if he and I have the chance to work alone, I will progress well.
I finally had the chance to deliver an SOS, thanks to Vova's question -- and I seized it as vehemently as a swimmer out of breath struggles for the surface of the water… It sounds melodramatic, but I have been drowning, suffocating in my frustrations with my partnership. Vova breaking my silence by asking if this behavior was the Norm gave me my first breath of air in a very long time…
I just hope that lessons as a pair will go better in the future…
Love, apprehensively,
Moscow Kitty
No comments:
Post a Comment