Journal 16
Monday - 01-31-11
It's my Mutti's Birthday today!! Happy Birthday, Mutti!!
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Today was a quiet day -- classes start tomorrow at the University. Hooray for a new semester! But it's hard to believe that this will be my last one in Moscow… I already don't want to think about that fact!!
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During the course of the day, the Internet held some surprises for me:
First, I found some videos of myself on YouTube, which I didn't know existed! =O_o=
It seems that someone was filming a few times, at hustle. The internet gets far more interesting when you can search in Cyrillic!
No harm though -- my real name isn't on them, and I imagine they're not getting too many hits. *laughs*
Secondly, and more pleasantly, I re-connected with my friend Tyler, thanks to a random run-in on another web-messenger. It was nice catching up, and finding out that the falling-off of contact hadn't been intentional.
When I told Yitian about it later, we wound up joking about how my friendship with Tyler affected my wanting to go to Rome:
Me:
He kinda ruined my wanting to go to Rome.
Ha ha ha
Because, you know, even when I was in the US, I was planning to try and take a trip to Rome/Italy, while I'll be in Paris.
Obviously, that was before I came to Russia, before I met Tyler, and before I found out that he would be in Rome after Moscow.
But after we all [the Moscow Marines and I] found that out...
Anyone who heard me mention that I wanted to go to Rome -- and who had seen Tyler and I around each other -- they all only believed I wanted to go to Rome, because of him.
Even MONTHS after Tyler had left, when I mentioned my wanting to go to Rome, one of my Marine buddies there at the embassy, just looked at me, smiled, and asked: "How's Tyler?"
Yitian:
Because there can't possibly be anything else to see in ROME than him
Yeah right
It's only a city with 2000 years of history
No biggy
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Coming back to dance, I'm trying to arrange lessons for tomorrow, so I do hope that that will work out. I felt bad; I asked Vova how the competition went, which he and Masha were at this past weekend, and he said that they didn't actually do so well. Such a foot-in-mouth moment. I recovered as best I could; agreeing on the idea that even great dancers have bad shows/results and telling him that he and Masha were amazing dancers. The reply was a good lesson, I think: "Thanks. Now, it's just hard to prove it!"
Even the greats never stop having to prove themselves.
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As mentioned above, I passed a good part of the evening chatting with Yitian.
Shortly after we finished joking about the ridiculousness of the Rome Situation, I received news from someone in the US (with whom it seemed there had been some flickers of interest), that he was considering getting back together with a previous girlfriend.
And this led me into a fair bit of introspection, and wondering about my future some…
You see, I wish the guy in question the absolute best, however his situation works out. I'm actually quite thrilled that he was up front and direct with me, about what his situation was, and what he wanted to do. That shows respect for me, and I really appreciate that. No matter what happens, I think that by getting to hang out when we did, we got to lay the groundwork for a good friendship, and I couldn't be happier about that!
I knew, realistically, even if there was that flicker of interest, once I left for Russia again, he was surely going to find someone else. I certainly didn't expect him to wait for or want to start something with someone he'd only truly hung out with once, who was currently halfway around the world, and is leaning towards *staying* halfway around the world, not coming back in a few months. But I suppose, no matter how much of a Realist one can be, there will always be that Hopeful part of a person, which thinks, "Maybe something good is going to be around…?"
In other words, the situation just reminds me: I'm a little lonely, sometimes.
It's kinda funny, somehow...
I didn't mind giving up my home country.
I didn't mind giving up my mother tongue.
I knew exactly what I wanted to come here [to Moscow] for.
To study Dance. To learn Russian.
But those reasons for my coming here have effectively meant I've given up my chances to have a relationship, because I'm usually always busy with school or dance -- there's no time for anybody else! (Half joking.)
Of course, I know that focusing so strongly on my goals and desires is *my choice.* I'm still extraordinarily happy with that choice!! And it's also not as though I am living without any human interaction! I've made some wonderful, amazing friends, who I am so happy to have in my life here!
Friends, however, are not Romantic connections. (Though I do miss having my nearest and dearest ones here, for sure… Yitian and I were even discussing the hope that we might be fortunate enough to wind up in the same geographical locale again someday!!)
While I normally don't even pay any attention to not having a, "special someone," in my life -- sometimes, the feeling of missing having someone there just sneaks up on you. I just had one of those moments tonight, is all.
*****
There's also the part where, and if you're one of my close, personal friends, you've heard this before -- At the end of the day, I would like to be with a [ballroom] dancer.
And that's not just because I adore dancing, and it's such an important part of my life -- it's because of how *pervasive* dance is in my life, and how it takes someone involved to understand some of the more contestable aspects of it. Let me explain:
If I'm going to be at work or school all day, then I'm going to go dance for 2-3 hours every evening -- it makes sense to want a partner who is going to understand you not spending that time with them. Or to want a partner who is doing the same thing!!
If I'm going to be dancing with someone, in what often looks like intimate positions -- it makes sense to want a partner who is going to understand that that doesn't *mean* anything or who isn't going to be bothered by it. (Again, if they're also doing the same thing -- it's a two way street. He's going to know I don't care, and I'm going to know he doesn't care. It's just part of the sport.)
If dancing goes well, and someday, I get to a level where I'd be traveling to competitions more, or spending more on costumes/shoes/necessities for dance -- it is certainly helpful to be with someone who is not going to balk at the amount of money that goes into the sport, and who is going to understand the expenses. Related: by understanding said expenses, that person will also be of a mind to budget for them, too. Yay, money management skills!
And of course, it means that, at the end of the day, I'm also more likely to wind up with someone who will not mind if I throw on some "Oldies," and ask for a Slow Dance.
*****
"Okay, Moscow Kitty, I follow you," You might say. "But you've said you dance in a club full of great dancers! Why don't you try with one of them?"
'Touché,' I'll tell you.
But then I'll also tell you the following:
1. Many of the guys in our club are MUCH younger than me (4-5 years) - and according to my upbringing, I would not even think of laying hands on one of them yet! Ha ha ha. And even if they crossed that 18-years-old barrier, I'd still feel a little weird about things.
The ones who *are* my age, or a little older, make up the "Trainers" part of the club. And that's also got drawbacks -- say, if you're working with one of them.
(And all of that is provided that any of those guys are single in the first place.)
2. Every single guy in our club -- no matter what the age is -- are all *incredible* dancers. Say, if they were also looking for dancers, it would hold that they would want to be with dancers of their caliber. Incredible dancers. -- I'm simply not an incredible dancer yet. I'm still in the, "Self-Improvement" stage.
It would be hypocrisy for me to say: "I want to be with a good dancer!" and expect a good dancer to want to be with me, when I'm not a good dancer. Right? Of course, right.
So, all of that is to say, every so often, I get a little pang of loneliness, but I recognize: I'm very busy, and while I have a core idea of what is important to me to find in someone -- even I don't quite measure up yet -- so I'm working on me, first; then I can work on finding someone else!
In the meantime, just because I get a pang of, "Aww, I wish I had someone," here and there, that doesn't mean that I am unhappy. I am as thrilled as ever with the grand adventure that is my Life, and I am as committed as ever to enjoying it as much as I can!
And of course... I always keep my eyes open... Just in case Life and Fate decide to throw me together with someone unexpectedly!
If there's one thing anybody knows, it's that Life doesn't work on your schedule or expectations! It's got its own Ideas....
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Now, as Monty Python used to say: "And now for something Completely Different."
It's almost Chinese New Year… I want to make dumplings…
Love,
Moscow Kitty, and her Dumpling Cravings
=^_~=
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