Journal 119
Thursday - 12-23-10
Hung out with My Marines;
Odd "Bonding Moment" -- "I don't know what happened, but I left, and I come back, and you both look absolutely miserable."
- Basically, I almost had a panic-attack when a girl I was chatting with and I had the following interaction, based on the premise of sometimes being disappointed with how we see respect of relationships treated by some members of the military:
Girl: "... Yeah, but at least you don't date them. *I* do."
Me: "Well, I almost had something with one of them... Actually, he's where you're at now. Do you know ____?"
Girl: *stunned silence* "... We just broke up a few weeks ago..."
Me: --Thoughts-- Oh s%$t...
And then I almost had a panic attack. Until we pretty much bonded over having almost identical experiences with the same person; although hers lasted longer than mine.
Later, my personality traits that fed the unravelling of what could have been something with the aforementioned guy, plus another one of the Marines telling me that night that I made him, "feel bad," when I was around him, simply for being, "so good," [He will tell me, "Earmuffs," when he wants to tell some stories...] led into the following conversation with a good friend from home.
Warning: It's going to be a little blunt, rather impassioned, and a little more open than some of you who know me may have ever seen. But, well, honesty is one of my prized characteristics, and I feel that this conversation is worth sharing. For your Oscar Consideration, ladies and gentlemen...
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Me: You see? I'm the "Angel"
Me: No one wants anything to do with me [in a romantic sense], because I make them feel bad; or they want to "do" me, to clip said wings
Me: *face desk* [<-- The action of slamming one's face into a desk, used to illustrate frustration.]
Me: And somewhere in the middle of it all, I'm trying not to look for a Prince Charming that doesn't exist -- but I certainly don't need an idiot
Me: :|
Me: I am trying to learn, and to overcome my problems, and my flaws
Me: I'm trying to give more people a chance, I guess.
Me: That's how I got burned on __[Guy I Talked About With Girl]__ though
Me: F*&k it, never mind
Me: That's just a round-about topic
Friend: *hug*
Friend: You give people too much credit.
Friend: You really, really do.
Me: That's what I'm always told. :(
Me: Why does it have to be that way? Why can't people be more deserving of the credit I want to give?
Me: I know that I am, "too nice." "Too compassionate."
Me: ... People don't like that
Me: They almost look at you like you are sick
Me: "Caitlan... You're... So *nice.*" // "Such a *nice* girl"
Me: ... It's almost derogatory at this point. The shock and awe I hear is not... ... I don't even know how to describe it
Me: It's like that day I waited to pay Vitaly; because he was teaching, and I was taught not to interrupt, and not to leave without paying for something, etc.
Me: Vitaly didn't even have any words to respond to my [very simple] logic [of why I'd waited.].
Me: And thus, just said, "Oh, Kaht..." and patted me on the head.
Friend: People can't be more deserving of that credit because the vast majority of them have sold part of their integrity for something. [<-- This still stands out to me, long after this conversation took place.]
Me: ... That kind of stuff doesn't make you attractive to people.
Me: It puts you on some kind of weird, freak pedestal, where they just point you out to other people, and say there's no one else in the world quite like you
Me: 'How on earth does someone today live like that?' Etc.
Me: ... But to echo a popular phrase these days... "I was just born that way."
Me: And I can't help it.
Friend: *hug*
Me: I can't help that I want to trust people -- even though I've been hurt so badly, it'd make sense if I never trusted another living soul.
Me: I can't help that I FEEL for people, more viscerally that most people probably ever will
Me: I can't help that the joy I get from making someone smile or laugh or feel better is one of the cleanest, purest feelings I have ever known...
Me: It's just how I am...
Me: And sometimes, I'm tired of feeling like such a freak for that.
Friend: You're not a freak.
Friend: You just hang out with idiots.
[It might seem odd, but I just laughed, and laughed, and laughed at this point. The dead-pan seriousness/humour was well appreciated.]
Me: Sugar -- I think it's pretty well that my levels of compassion, nicety, understanding, honor, and loyalty are unheard of in today's world... Freak.
Friend: No, you just display them to the lowest common denominator.
Friend: Which isn't a bad thing.
Friend: But you expect the same in return.
Friend: Which well, won't happen a whole lot.
Me: Also true. And I display them to everyone, because there's that part of me that feels everyone deserves them.
Me: "We none of us find as much kindness in this world as we should."
["Memoirs Of A Geisha," by Arthur Golden]
Friend: Then don't be surprised when you don't get the same classiness back?
Me: ... Look, I'm not surprised... I just hope.
Me: Or at least, wish I weren't such an anomaly.
Me: I wish more people would smile at each other, and be kind.
Me: It won't happen, I know -- and that's why my energy will always draw people. Most people, anyway. Because people are drawn to sources of compassion and understanding.
Friend: *hug*
**********
And that conversation was how I started the AM of my Christmas Eve!! Whoo!
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